“Whatever it is that we’re afraid of, one thing holds true…that by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we’re carrying around a giant tumor.” Grey’s Anatomy.
I love this show. A few qualifiers. Season 1, and 5 are Grey’s at its prime. Season 2 is a close runner up. The rest of the seasons? Meh…But they build up to Season 5 so it’s not a total write-off. But Grey’s has got me through a lot. So, awhile back I splurged and used a gift card to treat myself to seasons 1 & 2. Thank you amazon.com for cheap just-like-new-used dvds. In packing for India I chose to take a selection of my fave dvds along with me. Season 1 made the cut. Last night I needed some chill time so I put in my “comfort food” of dvds and watched some Grey’s. It gets me almost every time. I’m not a big crier in movies. Titanic? Nothing. A Walk to Remember? Don’t hate me but I started to laugh when she breaks the news that she’s sick. But for some reason Grey’s can make my eyes water faster than an onion. It’s strange, but watching Grey’s can be a heart check at times. If my heart is full, Grey’s makes me cry. If I’m happy, Grey’s is hilarious. And so on. For the record, I never said I was normal
So, the quote above jumped out at me last night. Hmmm…I mulled over it a bit last night. This morning I tried to pray a bit about it. What am I holding on to? What am I avoiding or stuffing down? What am I afraid of? Fear gets me pretty much every time.
Then I read this little blurb:
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. “ (The Message)
Then I went to church. Auntie was preaching and let me tell you, she can preach it. But I got hung up on her first few lines. She quoted the passage about unless a kernel falls to the ground and dies…And then she said something about sacrifice. Since I’m trying to be honest…the first thing that came to mind was “Oh shit” (pardon my Albertan, although it’s also the Khasi word for hot…). And I spent the rest of the sermon trying to reason with God. But dangit, somehow he always wins. I need to let go of some things and stop running from others. I need to not let fear have the final say. I just hate it. I hate sacrifice. Sh… See, without thinking that word follows! Because I know that sacrifice is hard. It rips you apart. It’s no shortcut. Sigh…
And yet, somehow, his way, even when it’s stinkin’ hard and seemingly not fair, his way is best.
It may rip you apart but he never leaves you that way. It’s like surgery, it cuts you up but it’s so that you can heal.
I’m just a bit intimidated. Its looking like this month’s theme is going to be “sacrifice.” I won’t say it, but you know what I’m thinking…