I’ve been thinking about insecurity lately.
Insecurity is one of those character traits I wish I could eradicate…stick me with a needle and give me immunity for life! As I get older I find my self-concept has grown stronger and I am able to walk more confidently, knowing more of who I am. I’m a strong, confident, beauty of a woman! But insecurity still lingers. It comes and goes in waves. Most days the waves fall upon rocks and the only result is a futile splash. But some days, the waves creep up on sand and wash away the grains in one fell swoop. And I find myself questioning myself, my character and my calling.
I don’t like to admit this because I fear I’ll appear weak. Silly. Immature. Needy.
It’s funny, the waves that I allow to wipe me out, knock me off my feet. It can be something as small as a comment from another, a number on a scale, waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Or it can be something larger, more tsunami-like in nature…a broken heart, tension in the family, disappointment, loss, or self-doubt that’s been left untreated and like a parasite it has slowly grown into a deadly creature.
I don’t know what it looks like for you, but insecurity turns me inward. I withdraw, curling up in a self-protective ball. I don’t need to talk about it, just hand me the chocolate, a good distraction, and I’ll be ok. Lies. Sometimes the lies are more familiar, safer, then truth. Sometimes the lies are easier to believe.
Truth can be confrontational. Uncomfortable. Stretching. But truth is also freedom.
So I’ve been trying to walk the path of truth lately. Confront some lies that hold me captive. To believe that I am a child of this good & loving Creator God. To believe that I am fearfully & wonderfully made. To believe that I have gifts to offer and share. That I belong at the table. To turn outward rather than in. To invite others in rather than building walls to keep others out.
This has meant trying some things that are uncomfortable, facing some fears, opening myself up, embracing the risk of it all. But I believe that this is also opening myself up to new joy and life.
Allowing the waves to wash over me rather than sweep me away.
“But you, O LORD, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high.” Ps. 3:3